Misfortunes Of Friends
by unlucky3
Summary: COMPLETE! Three best friends go on an adventure of a lifetime. COME ON PEOPLE! READ THIS! IT'S REALLY FUNNY! SERIOUSLY, IT IS! WE WANT MORE REVIEWS! PLEASE!
1. Holy Crap, What is THIS?

Disclaimer: We don't own anything except this story

Authors Note: Hi this is Sarah, I'm Jen, and I'm...Allison...We don't exactly like Labyrinth, but we DO like to make fun of it! There isn't very much character bashing, the story is just about what OUR journey through the labyrinth would be like and all the misfortunes we would have. In the past we have had so many misfortunes that we were motivated to write about them. This story is meant to be funny, not offensive OK? NOT OFFENSIVE! And we also doubt that there will ever be a story quite like this one. Keep in mind that the Sarah in this story doesn't represent the Sarah in the movie, but is one of the authors.Anyways, Please review! Whatever jokes we may make about Bowie, please keep in mind that we do not mean them, Sarah actually worships Bowie, and that we are only teasing.

MISFORTUNES OF FRIENDS

CHAPTER 1--Holy Crap what is THIS?

Sarah was sitting in her room one day, watching her least favourite movie, The Labyrinth. She was looking for new things to analyze in the movie. As usual, she was alone because all HER friends had a life. Sarah realized that she really, really hated this movie, I mean REALLY!

Meanwhile, back at Jareth's castle he was observing Sarah through a crystal. "I see this girl and she doesn't respect my authority. SHE DEFIES ME! I think I must teach her and her so called friends' a lesson." And with that he transported himself above ground after turning into a barn owl?

"OK, what I don't understand is that this Sarah girl is 15 and David Bowie was around in his 30's there. She says that he's in love with her, and that is just sick." Sarah said while watching the film'. Suddenly there was a tapping at her window. "What the HELL?" she exclaimed as she shot up to her feet and opened the blinds. Low and behold, there was a white barn owl trying to get in as if the glass wasn't there. Any stupid bird would do that. "HOLY CRAP WHAT IS THIS!" she yelled. But no one heard her because everyone was out shopping and some were at work. This event reminded her of the time when she was watching T.V. in the living room and a crow stupidly flew right into the window head first. Then it flew away and almost hit her dad in the head while he was coming through the back gate from work. (this actually happened to Sarah) Anyways, back to the story... The owl was starting to scare poor Sarah so she backed off from the window a bit. Then, the owl surprisingly  
broke through the glass and took the form of a rather peculiar man. "Aw, shit! Ma's gonna KILL ME!" Sarah looked at the glass spread out across the floor and remembered the man in front of her who was dressed in the manners of a male prostitute from the 80's no less. Then the phone rang. "Ok, I was gonna ask who the HELL you were, but right now, I have to answer the phone." The confused girl said. Ignoring the fact that he might be a cereal rapist, a MAGICAL cereal rapist, she answered the phone. It was Jen, her best friend of 3 years. "Hey Sar," the unknowing Jen greeted. "Are you still coming over later?" Sarah glanced over at the man who was now pawing in her underwear drawer. "JEN!" she screamed. "I NEED YOU AND AL OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS SHIT! I THINK IT COULD BE THE BROWNIES MY SISTER MADE THAT'S MAKING ME SEE THIS, SO I NEED A SECOND OPINON. AND..." Jen interrupted saying: "Aw Sarah, not again!" "NO! IT'S REAL THIS TIME! JUST HOP ON YER  
BIKE AND GET YOUR SMART ASS OVER HERE!" "OK, OK, I'm coming. And don't worry I'm bringing Allison." They hung up and Jen called Allison telling her something was up at Sarah's house.

"Don't you touch that!" Sarah yelled at the stranger in her UNDERWEAR DRAWER! "Dirty Bastard!" She closed the drawer shut on his fingers causing him to howl in unsupressed agony. "Don't you know who I am Sarah?" he asked in a british accent. "I might but I know you know who I am." Sarah answered stupidly. "Oh really? How?" he asked even stupidlyer...is that even a word? Jen- No Sarah, it isn't. Sarah-DAMN! Anyways, "You just said my name you whore." Sarah informed him disrespectfully, or he might call it "defiantly". Jareth stopped to think for a second. "This--this is ridiculous, I don't have time for this."

"Sarah!" The Goblin King' interrupted "Don't defy me."

"Oh don't give me the defying crap. I'm dreaming. OW!" Sarah said as she pinched her arm hard which surprised because everyone including herself knew she was a weakling. "Ok, what do you want you lousy S.O.B.?" she spat out. "I've brought you a gift." Jareth said while conjuring a crystal. Sarah looked at it suspiciously, "I don't want it." She said carefully. "Then I've no choice but to bring you underground." The Goblin King stated. "What? Like Hell?" Sarah asked out of curiosity. "NO! NOT LIKE HELL! MY KINGDOM!" Jareth yelled in frustration. "Ok, I'm not going anywhere until Jen and Al get here."

Jen and Allison got to Sarah's door. "Ok, let's see what kind of old food made Sarah go crazy this time." Jen said to her eyelidless friend. Allison- Sarah! DON'T MAKE FUN OF MY EYELIDS! (Al's oriental.)

From her bedroom, Sarah heard scrapings at her front door downstairs. "Don't go anywhere." She told Jareth. Sarah ran downstairs to open the front door. There, she saw Jen in the hall and Allison on the floor on her hands and knees panting. "What the HELL! ALLISON!"

"What? I couldn't open your door!"

"Allison, you spent 5 years in military training, and you can't even open a door?" Sarah spat out in aggravation. "Didn't you study how to blow up STEEL doors and MASSIVE MONUMENTS!"

"Well, I'm not BLOWING it up, I'm OPENING IT! Do you know how hard this is for me to NOT blow something up or shoot something down! Do you! DO YOU!

"Shut up and get upstairs."

"Whoa! What the hell is that about!" Jen asked in surprise.

"I know!" Sarah said. "Look at this drag show!"

"My camouflage outfits are WAY better than THAT getup."

"I'll teach you not to insult me. I am a man of great power." Jareth warned

"Yeah, yeah. Boy are you conceited." Sarah lashed out irrationally. "You're pretty high and mighty for someone who shops at David Bowie fashions inc."

"Sarah," Jen said. "Shut----UP!"

"How would you 3 girls like to visit my kingdom?"

"Uh, no thanks." Sarah replied.

"Well, sure I mean not everyone gets to see some fantasy land. I could start a whole new line of text books on this."

"COOL! We could blow more stuff up! More target practice!"

"If you three inflict ANY damage on my kingdom. I'll throw your pretty little selves into the Bog of Eternal Stench."

"Oh NO! Not the Bog of Eternal Stench!" Sarah quoted Hoggle from the movie sarcastically.

"That's it!" Jareth said with a wave of his hand. In a flash, the girls and the King were in the Underground on top of the same hill Sarah Williams was at the beginning of the movie.

"Aw sheeeeit!" Sarah swore.

"Sarah, you just screwed us over yet again!"

"Your code name is not Eagle anymore. It's the screwer upper of all-time!"


	2. Allison Gets ScrewedYET AGAINBy Guess Wh...

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah yhadda yhadda yhadda just look at all the other ones!

Author's Note: OK, what did you guys think of the first chapter? Wasn't it beautiful. It was SO funny, our review box.is probably..empty. LOL! READ!

Chapter 2-Allison's Screwed over…Yet again…By guess who?

OK last time, Sarah, Jennifer and Allison had just been transported.and may I add, SCREWED OVER by Sarah.as you might imagine, this happens a lot. like the time when Allison was kidnapped and Sarah and I had to go to Hong Kong to try and rescue her from kung-fu fighters, naturally I lost my leg and I was drenched in sewage.Sarah ended up with a coma and Allison got out of trouble all by herself, after blowing up the U.S. Embassy.OK LETS CONTINUE..

"So what's the deal?" Sarah blurted out. "Are you gonna tell us what the hell we're doing here or are we going to wait around here all day, sunbathing?"

"The object of the game is to reach my castle in thirteen hours OR one of you will become my queen. I'm hoping the mouthy blonde."

"HEY!"

"Well this will be easy" said Allison as she pulled out her bazooka from out of no where.

"Oh honestly Allison, remember what he said he would do to us? He'd throw us into that swamp thingy!" Jen reminded.

Jareth pointed to the clock and said, "Annnnnndddd...GO!"

Sarah ran to the gates screaming as if it was a race, Allison slumped over cleaning her pistol, and Jen opened up a huge book on Thesius and the Minotaur. "Hey, there might be something useful in here!"

Sarah kicked the gates of the labyrinth with all her might, swearing along the way, trying to get them opened. Nothing budged. Jen pulled Sarah towards her saying, "Sarah, It says.PULL!"

"Nothing's what it seems Jen."

"Awww man, I was hoping that I would be able to blow something up"

"SHUTUP ALLISON!" said Sarah and Jennifer at once.

The three friends, after they got the door opened, walked into the depths of the labyrinth. They soon reached the never-ending corridor, where they found the cutest little worm that they had ever seen. Sarah started towards the worm, but Jen held her back. "Wait! It could be dangerous, lets look it up in a text book!"

"Yes! It's my turn to kill something!"

"No, No Allison, it might be quite friendly"

"If you three will STOP deciding my fate, I might be able to tell you something useful!" the worm said.

"WHAT!" ,all three yelled.

"There are hidden openings in the walls. Try walking through that wall right over there."

Sarah ran to the wall..in fact, she ran head first right into a solid brick wall. "OW! YOU LITTLE LYING BASTARD, YOU GO SQUISH NOW!" Sarah raised her foot, but was tackled by Allison.

"HEY IT'S MY TURN! I haven't killed something in two hours. I'm starting to forget the thrill of blood shed. Muahahahaha."

Getting fearful for his life, the worm explained the accident, "You missed it you stupid prat.the opening is about a foot to the right of where you almost bashed your head into your neck."

This time, Jen tried. She, unlike her friend, felt the wall with her hand not her head, her hand.like all sane people would do. Sarah-HEY! Jen- Haha!

The girls travelled on through the maze.but wait! Where was Allison? Sarah and Jennifer knew that their friend would be OK so they continued on through the labyrinth. A few minutes later they came across two doors guarded by weird little dudes.they said, "One of us tells the truth and one of us always lies". "OK Shut up, lets just pick one, ca mon Jen, which one will it be?"

"Sarah, we just can't rush into things like this. This merits some good, hard research!"

"All right Jen, you take the one on the right, I'll take the one on the left." Both girls opened the doors at exactly the same time, both stepping three feet and then falling straight into a tunnel of.hands?

In Sarah's tunnel, "AHHH! Hey Don't you touch me there! What is this? RAPE!" One Hand said, "Would you like us to let you go?" They dropped Sarah down into the dark Oubliette.

Meanwhile.In Jen's hole, she was already pulling out her book light and reading on how to break out of fantasy prisons, which she had borrowed from Allison just yesterday for a bit of light reading.

At Jareth's castle, he watched them from a crystal in his throne room. His goblin minions broke out in laughter at the misfortune of the girls. "Shut UP!" Jareth said. "They should not have gotten this far. They should have given up by now." "They'll never give up", said a goblin. "Won't they? They're about to face more difficult challenges, they'll soon give up when they realize that they have had enough. Then the mouthy blonde will be mine!" He laughed out loud and the goblins stared at him in silence. "Well, laugh!" The goblins joined him in his maniacal laughter.

Sarah continued to try and find a way out, while Jen had escaped a while ago thanks to Allison's

trusty handbook. She walked around calling her friends names, but no one answered.until.

"Hey Jen you want to see my new chain saw and hockey mask?" Allison yelled very quickly as she hopped out of a clump of bushes.

"Oh lookie what else I made.It's a sundial! Look we only have eleven hours to go!" Jen sighed.Allison looked past Jen and noticed a frog sitting on a rock dangerously close to the edge of a cliff.

"Hey look a frog! Lets skin it alive, then we can have a decent meal for once!" Allison charged at the frog which croaked and hopped out of the way. "AH!" Allison screamed as she was hanging from the edge of the cliff. "What is that smell?"

"Oh no! Allison did you blow anything up while we were separated, it could be Jareth trying to throw you into the bog!"

"That bastard I only squished an ant!" Allison screamed as she clutched to Jen's hands. Jen tried to pull her up but.Sarah all of a sudden came out of no where. "Hey guys, I came as soon as I heard Allison scream", Sarah said quickly in excitement flailing her arms and causing Jen to let go of Allison. Allison plunged into the Bog of Eternal Stench. "Don't worry Allison we'll save you!" Sarah yelled as she tossed Jen a long vine. They both grabbed a hold of their vines and swung down to the shore of the bog, with Sarah yelling like Tarzan, looking for Allison. By the time they reached the bottom, Allison had already swum to shore and resembled a drowned rat. Jen and Sarah started laughing, and Sarah gave the occasional snort. As Sarah extended a long stick to pull Allison up, Allison warned, "Sarah." "Yeah?" very fast."

TBC

Now wasn't that hilarious. We're still thinking of how Jen is gonna get screwed over. We're having fun writing this stuff, so we'll have our next chapter soon.


	3. More Screwing over

Disclaimer: blah blah blah, same as before

Author's Note: Well, we thought of a way for Jen to get screwed over by Sarah. We hope and think you'll like it. The sad thing is that it's New Year's Day of 2002 at exactly 2:00am. (we're at a sleepover) Oh Sadness. And we don't have ANY reviews. Then again, we only posted the other 2 chapters tonight. So, who are we to complain? Anyways, we hope by now you've gotten to know our characters. Read and Review.Or I'll kick your ass.

Chapter 3 - More screwing over

After bathing Allison in the Tomato juice she happened to have, the 3 best friends continued their "quest". Sarah-Hey, this is no quest from Zelda I'll tell ya that Jen-Shut up Sarah, you're breaking character. Anyways, Jen, Allison and Sarah were walking along, concentrating on getting to that damn castle way way WAAAAY over there. Suddenly Sarah paused.. "Hey guys, nothing's happened lately. I mean, that dude hasn't screwed us over in a while." "Aaaaaw Sarah shut up! You're gonna jinx us! We're making good progress." Jen said. "Yeah," Allison agreed. "Besides, nothin's gonna happenAAAAHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" they screamed. They fell through yet another hole. Their landing was a hard one, they landing on Allison. Sarah got up from the pile and complained "Why. is EVERYTHING.DOING THAT!" She was obviously fed up with this CRAP. "What the hell are YOU complaining about? You're not at the bottom of a DOG PILE! GET OFFA ME JEN!" Allison yelled.

"Ok, ok, ok, just calm down everyone. All we gotta do find a way out of the well I guess it's a dark abyss." Jen explained. "Uh-huh, yeah and how are we supposed to calm down when there is a GOBLIN sitting RIGHT there!" Sarah said frantically.

"What? Let's kill it!"

"ALLISON!"

"Ah, what have we here?" asked the goblin dude.

"Uh-oh."

"What Jen. What kind of news that's gonna piss me off do you have to tell me now?"

"Well, let's just think back to the movie. When Sarah and Hoggle were down here, who was disguised just..like...this?"

"Aaaaaaaaawwwwww!" Sarah whined while leaning forward to get a closer look. She cupped her hands to her mouth and screamed: "GO AWAY!"

The disguised Goblin King removed his mask and stood up. "I should have known you would remember my tricks. Although I must admit they are getting pretty old."

"And so are we just standing here now what do you got up your sleeve THIS time!" Allison asked clearly annoyed.

"I just came to see how the game was going. And you Sarah, how are you enjoying my Labyrinth?" he said putting an arm against the wall near Sarah's head.

"It's DAMN easy."

"Really?"

"Ohohohoho no Sarah." Jen laughed.

"So the Labyrinth's damn easy is it? Well, let's see how you deal with THIS." Jareth said with a smirk as he conjured ANOTHER crystal and hurled it into the abyss. Sarah-as Jen would call it Jen-Damn straight Allison- Just keep typing I'm tired.

The crystal took the form of the huge metal contraption from the movie. "Oh NO! The Cleaners!" Jen yelled. "What!" Sarah screamed jaw-dropped. "Damn it Sarah, you screwed us AGAIN!" Allison said stating the obvious. "Run you idiots!" Jen said running down the corridor.

They ran screaming at the top of their lungs, always looking back. Then, they reached the dead end at the locked gates. But there was that same side door. "Even I know this one, it's PUSH!" Sarah yelled through the sound of metal on stone.

"Wait! I got my bazooka!" Allison reached behind her back and pulled out her favourite weapon of all-time. "Die door!"

They ran into the hidden corridor just before the cleaners cut Jen's ponytail off. "There Allison, are you happy now? You finally used your bazooka." Sarah snapped.

"Guys, look! A ladder. Let's open my book. There might be something on ladders!"

"Like I said, nothing's what it see..Aw what the hell."

They climbed up the ladder. Naturally, Sarah almost fell with her lack of gracefulness. When they reached the top, they came out of.a pot? "Hey look! It's a OLD person!" Sarah pointed to the wise-man with the bird hat.

"It's got a bird hat on it's head! Let's kill it!"

"No Allison, here, read a book."

"Please sir, can you like ya know help us?" Sarah asked trying to hide her impoliteness.

"Oh! 3 young girls! And what can I do for you?"

"Well," Jen began "We have to get to the castle and since you're the wise- man we thought you could give us some advice. Some advice that's NOT in one of my books."

The bird hat thing upon the old man's head started chattering just as the wise-man opened his mouth to speak: "He's probably gonna tell you the same thing he always does."

"Shut up!" said Allison through gritted teeth.

"Things aren't always what they seem in this place." The elderly man told them.

"That's it! We knew that already! Tell us something else. Something we DON'T know." Allison complained.

"Whoa whoa whoa, lady calm yourself." Said the bird hat.

"Don't tell me to calm down you son of a bitch!" Allison lunged for the bird's long neck and started to strangle him "I'll kill you, you bastard! You're so annoying! Shut up! I hated you in the movie and I hate you now!" By now, Allison was shaking him madly. Jen and Sarah grabbed her arms and pulled her back. "Ca mon let's go." Jen said after Allison calmed herself down.

They made their way through the Labyrinth, refusing to stop. After going to many dead ends, they finally came to 2 doors with knockers, the same as the movie of course. Jen walked up to the knocker with the ring in hi s mouth and asked: "Where do these doors lead to?"

"Who cares where they lead to, let's just pick one."

"Or I can blow it up!"

Jen took the ring out of the knocker's mouth and handed it to Sarah. Sarah looked at it in disgust. Who knew how long that thing was in his mouth or where it had been. It was all spitty. "Ew."

"We don't know where they lead to, we're just the knockers, ha ha."

"Oh," Jen said. "Then would he know?" she pointed to the other knocker with the ring through it's ears.

"Don't bother talking to him. He won't hear you."

"Oh well I know sign language."

"When did YOU learn sign language gifty?" Sarah asked in curiosity.

"Where else? A book" Jen replied as if it was common knowledge. She started to sign to it. As Sarah and Allison thought, it had no idea what Jen was doing. "What are you doing!" He yelled trying to hear himself speak. "YOU'RE A LOSER!" Sarah yelled to him knowing he wouldn't hear her clearly. "Eh?" was his only reply. "Ok, just pick a door, and pick it now." Jen said fed up.

"Are you sure you don't want to do some 'research'?" Allison taunted.

"Aw screw research, I'm pissed let's go."

The girls went through the door with the knocker they could actually communicate with. They entered a huge forest and walked past the large trees and tripped over a couple of protruding roots. "Gasp what the HELL is THAT!" Sarah exclaimed pointing forward. They could see a bunch of Fireys dancing in a circle. They started towards them. Allison however just looked at the two and walked away without saying a word like she always does. Just before they reached the creatures, Allison returned holding a fox by it's tail. "Hey guys I caught us dinner."

"AAAH! Oh god Allison."

"Put me down at once."

"Al, that's that damn talking fox with the eye-patch from the movie...Let's eat." Sarah said. She was so hungry she didn't care.

"No you guys, it's not healthy. Those kind of things are high in cholesterol."

"Well can we keep it?" Allison said with a smile, still holding the thing in her grasp.

"No, let it go Al."

Allison put Sir Didymis down and he scurried away. Suddenly they were attacked by the Fireys. "Aw god damn it!" they yelled as the thing jumped on their heads. "AAAAHH!"

"Let's take off their heads!" they chanted.

"Get off of me you sons of bitches!" of course this was Sarah cussing. She knocked them off her head and ran to find a rock to throw at them. "Die bastards!" she threw a rock at one that was on Jen's head. Jen ran to join Sarah and they tried to think of how to rescue Allison who now had them ALL climbing all over her. "Jen! Gimme your books!"

"What for?" Jen gasped, "YOU wanna do research!"

"Just give'em to me!" Sarah grabbed the 6 or 7 books in Jen's hands and whipped them at those furry red dudes. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! SARAH! YOU SCREWED ME OVER! MY BOOKS! I HATE YOU!" The books hit some of the Fireys but they all recovered and ambushed Allison. She was gone in flash. The 2 girls were silent. After a long moment's pause Sarah said: "...She'll be alright."


	4. Sarah's screwed over this time

Disclaimer: Same as before blah blah blah and that stuff

Author's notes: OK...recently we got a couple of insulting reviews, our fourth review was rather disgusting. This is a message to anyone who doesn't like our story: If you don't like the story, then screw you! Lack of grammar my ass! There are worse things we can say, but there are children about. Now here's our next chapter. sorry we took so long.

Chapter 4 - Sarah's screwed over this time

Last we left off, Allison was ambushed by those...Hooligans. Sarah-Damn things

Jen and Sarah watched in mock horror as Allison disappeared into flames with her...subjects. Allison would probably be there new queen and they would worship...Yeah right, not on Al's watch.

"Let's go." Sarah said to Jen as if nothing had happened. They walked through the really weird wood thing, finally coming to a cliff. Hanging from the cliff was a single rope. Jen and Sarah stared at it with precaution, as if something was going on. "Oh...a rope... ...O...kaaaaaaay, I GUESS we should go up this rope right Jen?"

"...Yyyyeees, Sarah. I think so..."

"...How convenient..."

"I'd look it up in my book, but YOU THREW IT!"

"Ok, ok just calm down. I will go first. You've had enough screwing over for today."

"Good, then if you die, I'll still be alive."

Sarah tugged on the rope a couple times to check its security, which surprised Jen because that was rather smart of Sarah. After Jen had noticed that Sarah still hadn't plumeted ten feet to her death, she gave it a go. They were half way up when Jen noticed a startling heat on her rear.

"Fire!"

"What!"

"How the hell did that happen! Sarah, go up! Go faster!"

"AAAH! A fire! How the HELL did that happen!"

"That's what I said now GO!"

"I can't, I never mastered this in Gym class MAN! We're all gonna die!"

"Oh I wish we had one of Allison's homemade fire extinguishers right about now!"

Sarah and Jen started to climb as fast as they could. Which is not really fast considering Sarah is a 90 pound weakling. Sarah-Well really 109 pounds.

Sarah made it up first and bent over the ledge to help her friend who was gone.

"JEN!"

"I'm right here Sarah..." Jen said calmly from behind. "Look at this big thing that I found. Can we keep it!" Jen pointed at the familiar character known as L- -- Lu--- Ludo! That's it!

"No Jen, we can't keep the Chewbacca dude. I, on the other hand, think we should keep this little midget thing here..." (pointing to Hoggle) "Hey Goggles!"

"It's Hoggle!" the dwarf guy corrected.

"Don't correct me you lousy little son of bitch. Learn to respect your master ya know. How the hell did you even get here? Get your ass outta here!" Sarah said raising her backhand.

As he scurried away, Jen and Sarah realized their achievement. "Oh my God Sarah, you did it! You climbed the rope!" The girls started to jump for joy on the spot while saying "EEEEEEEEEE!" when the ground suddenly broke through and they fell through guess what...another hole.

"AHHHHHHHH!" They both screamed as they slid down a large underground slide. They came to a rather soft landing, at the bottom, in a pile of leaves. They quickly brushed themselves off without a word and stood on their feet, acting as if they were used to the whole thing.

After walking about 5 feet, Allison popped out of a clump of bushes...yet AGAIN covered in red fur, holding an axe and panting. "Allison, there you are!" Jen yelled.

"Allison! Why do you have all that fur on you? What happened?" Sarah asked her friend innocently.

"pant pant Well, lets just say those are a few heads that won't be thrown around anymore...pant pant..."

"What? Why do you say that?"

"Cause I chopped them up now lets GO!" Allison stalked off in an oblivious rage, leaving her two confused friends behind.

Three hours later...

After having finally caught up with Allison, the three friends walked together up a path. "Hey guys look! Sunshine! I can finally check my sundial! OH SHIT! Only four hours left to go!" Allison said as she walked off calmly. Her friends were left behind not thinking much.

Sarah and Jen continued to walk, not bothering to look for Allison since she always turns up sometime or other. "Oh God Sarah, I'm starving my ass off! I'M STARVING IT RIGHT OFF!" Sarah was hyperventilating in hunger when she said: "...Don't worry Jen! I'll find you something to eat!" She scanned the area for possible meal ideas when she spotted a pinecone. She picked it up and thrust it into Jens face. "EAT IIIIIT!" Sarah screamed wide-eyed. Jen turned around and continued walking, ignoring Sarah. Sarah walked around to face Jen, "What if it was all you had to survive!"

"No Sarah,... No." Just at that moment, Allison turned up, she walked towards Sarah and handed her something.

"Here Sarah eat this peach."

"Where'd you get it?" Asked Sarah cautiously.

"Well, I found a squirrel and followed it for about a mile, hoping for a meal, THEN I saw this dude who offered me money for sex, but when I said no, he gave me this peach. In fact, he looked kinda familiar. Kinda like that guy who put us in this shit hole." Sarah was too hungry to care, so she grabbed the peach and took a big bite out of it. Naturally, she passed out.

Well that's it for now, another chapter will be written in about an hour. . Dark Angel's on! Bye! - Us


	5. Bowie's Death is just Like his CareerHe ...

Disclaimer: OK well it's the same as before…we STILL do NOT own any of the characters in the Labyrinth (like we'd want to…yeesh)

Author's Note: OK so if you haven't guessed by now who the mouthy blonde is then….OK isn't it obvious? ITS SARAH! S..A..R..A..H! …honestly….

CHAPTER 5: Bowie's Death is like his career…He just keeps coming back

Sarah opened her eyes to find herself in a dream-like ballroom. "Ohhhh Noooo… I'm NOT doing this..." Then she glanced down at her attire. "WHAT AM I WEARING? A dress? I don't DO dresses!" It was not only a dress, it looked like something that came out of Bowie's closet! Sarah quickly ripped off the dress, in horror of the ugliness, and was disappointed to find that underneath the ugly dress, there was an even uglier dress of lime green. She continued to rip off the dresses, only to find MORE layers of dresses. The more she ripped off, the uglier they got. Finally figuring out that it was frivolous to continue, she crossed her arms over her chest and yelled, "THIS SUCKS!"

Then all of a sudden, the crowd in front of her started to part. Protruding from the parting crowd was her nemesis, Jareth. "OH CRAP! Wake up Sarah, WAKE UP!" She started bashing her head against the wall saying, "OW!….OW!….OWWWW! GOD DAMN IT!" She said as she finally knocked some sense into herself and stopped. By then Jareth had reached the bruised and broken Sarah. A strange feeling came over her, sort of like a dream, and she started to dance with the Goblin King. Only five seconds into the dance, Sarah snapped out of it. Now don't get us wrong…she's not smart, she's just not stupid enough to dance with a drag queen. She did the only thing she could think of…She punched him in the face and ran like hell. As she was running she heard, "Wait, come back to me Mouthy Blonde!" She turned around and said, while flipping him off, "STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

He caught up to her quite quickly and grabbed her arm. She picked up a chair that was beside her and smashed it across his face like a good Jerry Springer episode. She began falling and woke up to find Jen and Allison laughing at the fact that she sleeps with her mouth open and the drool running down the corner of her mouth. She wasn't drooling over Bowie, of course. She was DROOLING because she sleeps with her mouth open OK? Sarah- Really, I do! Allison- So do I, Jen do you? Jen- No you guys are freaks…back to the STORY…. Sarah sat up "Gahhhhhhhh!" She began rolling on the ground in disgust flailing her arms and wiping her hands on Allison's shirt.

"What are you DOING Sarah? What did you touch?"

"Bowie! I touched him!" Allison started freaking out at these words and she ran into a clump of bushes and came out with a new shirt on saying 'Bounty Hunters' on the front and 'Call 1-800-THE-HUNT' on the back. Sarah told them all about the dream.

"Hmm…Well I've read about poisoned fruits in one of my books, but no one's actually seen what happens when you eat one. I think I shall conduct a scientific experiment to analyze the chemical makeup of this peach."

"No Jen! Don't DO IT! It's suicide! If you see what I saw gouge out your eyeballs with a butter knife!"

"Sarah…ARE YOU INSANE? Jen, don't use a butter knife use my dagger!"

"Uhn… No….thaaaaanks….Sarah, just give me the peach!" At that Sarah held the peach up above her head, where she believed Jen could not reach. All of a sudden she looked up to see that the peach was gone, and Jen was lying on the ground, with the peach in her hand, unconscious.

After 5 minutes of Jen experiencing the same dream as Sarah, she woke up and said, "Sarah…I will never doubt you again." Sarah highly doubted that, she knew Jen would doubt her in future cases as well. Sarah- You all think I'm dumb, but who was right this time? Huh? HUH? Allison- Shut up Sarah! Sarah- I've had my moment…

Allison grabbed the peach from Jen's hand, shaking it in anger, "There is NOTHING wrong with…this…PEACH! I'll prove it!" She quickly took a bite and passed out. A few minutes later Allison was gone. She had run away as soon as she had regained consciousness, because she was so horrified that she had actually TOUCHED Bowie (a.k.a. Jareth). Sarah picked up the poisoned peach in anger. She hurled it, as far as she could, into the forest. A distant "OW" was heard.

"OH MY GOD, Sarah! You hit someone! We had better make sure they are OK!" So they took off at a run to find the possibly injured person, whoever it was. After walking a couple minutes (because they can't run for THAT long) they found Jareth holding a large bump on his head in pain. "Are you O…uhhh never mind its just YOU." Jen said in disgust.

"You're time is almost up." Jareth explained.

"Oh yeah? And so are the minutes of your life you rat bastard!" Just then Allison popped out of the bushes wearing an army camouflage suit, black paint across her cheeks, a helmet with a pot of flowers on it and holding a couple branches in each hand.

"Let's KILL this bastard!"

"Hey you guys I just remembered something that I read in one of my books. Sarah do what I tell you."

"Hey! I take orders from no one! But…OK!"

"OK, step 1. Walk up to (insert fairytale enemy here) um…I mean Jareth!" Sarah walked up to Jareth, who, for some reason, had a smirk on his overly made-up face.

"Step 2. Extend hand, palm up, in front of your face just below your lower lip."

"OK!" Sarah did as instructed.

"Step 3. BLOW!" And Sarah blew. All of a sudden Jareth disappeared in a cloud of smoke while screaming bloody murder. "OH SHIT JEN, that was good!"

"Can we go home now?" Asked Allison.

"Well how are we GOING to get home?" exclaimed Jen.

"Well lets just go back up to that hill that we started on, and see if there's a portal leading to some unknown place…I don't know…anywhere but here, let's just go!" Said Sarah quickly.

After hours and hours of walking, they finally made it back up to the hill. They were dirty and sweating, and Allison looked as though she had just won a wet-shirt contest. After they had rested a while they noticed that Allison was not among them anymore. "Oh god Jen, where did she go THIS time?" Then from a distance they heard…

"Guuuyys? I think you had better get over here."

"Now what does Allison want?"

"I dunno Sar, but we had better go see." So the two walked towards the sound of Allison's voice. There, leaning against a tree was……WHAT? HE'S BACK!….!…….?…….AHHHH!

Author's Note: There will be more next week, and we're sorry that the chapters are so short. If you don't like the story screw you……but then again if you didn't like the story, you wouldn't be on the 5th chapter, would you?


	6. Oh GOD, What did she get herself into TH...

Disclaimer: Like before we don't own anything, and we seriously don't want to. The only thing we own is ourselves and our screwed up minds.

Author's Note: OK, if you didn't understand the last part of our last chapter, Bowie is BACK, he's BACK. OK guys?

Chapter 6: Oh God, what did she get herself into THIS time?

"AHHHHHHHHH! IT'S YOU! How did you GET here? You Bastard! I'll KILL you!" screamed Allison, just as she took out her bazooka and fired a few shells at Jareth. As the smoke cleared, the three friends saw a smoky figure. It was JARETH! WHY WON'T HE DIE!

"Now one of you will pay the price for that idiotic attempt at my life." The three friends stood in complete shock, one beside the other with Sarah in the middle. Jareth continued, "So who…will…it…BE? Bachelorette #1? (he points to Jen), Bachelorette #2?(he points to Allison), or…MY personal favourite, the one and only Mouthy Blonde, Bachelorette #3! SARAH!" Sarah- I'm getting tired of this you guys. AND the mouthy blonde crack! Allison- Too bad.

Sarah, Allison and Jennifer looked at each other. Allison and Jen exchanged looks then at once widened their eyes and pointed to Sarah. Sarah jumped at looked at her cough cough FRIENDS! And said, "HEY!….WAIT!…" then she disappeared in a cloud of pink sparkly, girlie smoke before she could yell "YOU SONS OF BITCHES!"

"And as for YOU TWO, you need to make it to my castle if you want your beautiful, charming, sensual "friend" back! Muahahaha!" Sarah- This sucks. Jareth disappeared in the same smoke as Sarah, which wasn't surprising considering he was GAY! Allison- No Offense to gays.

"OH SHIT!" Jen and Allison yelled together.

In Jareth's Castle…

When Sarah finally regained consciousness, she found herself lying on the floor, face down. She stood up quickly and took in her surroundings. She was in the God damn tallest tower in the whole FREAKING castle! "Awww, SHIT!" As if being in Jareth's castle wasn't bad enough Sarah gazed down at her attire. A FRIZZY….POOFIE…PINK…DRESS! "Holy crap! This looks like something from my sister's frickin' Barbie™ collection!" She then raised her hands and felt her head…"OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS? AHHH! HELP ME HELP ME, THERE'S AN ANIMAL ON MY HEAD!" She then, once again, began banging her head against the stone walls of the tower room, yelling like a maniac. Then, she ripped the unknown…thing…and smashed it against the wall. When it fell to the floor, she started stomping on it, when she realised that it was a HUGE ASS crown, encrusted with HUGE ASS diamonds! Sarah bent down and picked up the crown, pulling off the diamonds, and anything that looked remotely valuable. She looked around to see if anyone was looking, then stuffed the jewels down her bra.

Sarah then remembered that she had one of Allison's walkie-talkies. She pulled it out, pressed the talk button and said, "Eagle to nest, Eagle to nest, AH, AH, over!" No one responded. She turned it over and noticed that there were no batteries in it. "What? No batteries? Allison had packed Astronaut food in toothpaste tubes for God's sake."

Sarah looked at the door then started screaming and running towards it. She rammed against it with her shoulder, pushed it, banged her HEAD against it and even kick it a few times. She then fell down to the floor, exhausted and panting. She backed away from the door and suddenly, a gust of wind coming from the outside BLEW the door OPEN! Jen-lol how stupid can she get? "Damn it, I KNEW it was pull!" Sarah said gloomily. She walked through the door and down flights and flights of stairs, eventually coming to the throne room. The room was filled with crazy goblins running around everywhere chasing chickens. She saw Jareth sitting on his throne like a fag and gave him cut eye that even Allison could be proud of. He stood and said in his God DAMN, pansy-ass, I'm sorry mummy, oh I'm so British, accent, "When should the wedding be?"

"Wedding MY ASS!" said Sarah.

"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, now if you'll excuse me I have traps to set for your friends." Jareth walked out of the throne room like Nearly Headless Nick on the Harry Potter Play Station game. (sorry to those who haven't seen how he walks but he practically dances and prances and flutters his arms around while he walks out…really rent the game just so you can see that…it's hilarious) Sarah was left alone with the Goblins gawking at her. She kneeled down to the now quite goblins and said, "Hey…you guys want to know somethin' man?" The goblins stood there in silence. A few of them looked around at each other. Then she said, "Jareth said that you guys, should bend to my every word…and, he said, that you guys wear panties." The Goblins took great offence to this. Sarah continued, "And, now, I'm like…your Queen…and like we're gonna kill him!" One Goblin broke the silence, "Yeah! She's right! For years, we've been pushed around and forced to laugh at his stupid, gay jokes! Annnd, we've been kicked! Doesn't he know that we have feelings too?" the Goblin's eyes started to tear. All the others agreed with a big cheer. Sarah- heh, we sound like Dr. Seuss!

Sarah stood and screamed, "We'll form a Union!"

"YEAH!"

"And we'll call it the UDG!"

"YEA….huh?" Silence and confused looks followed.

"THE UNION OF DEFIANT GOBLINS!"

"YEAH!" The crowd went wild, shouting and jeering. Then the Goblins started chanting, "SARAH! SARAH! SARAH!"

"LET'S GO MY MINIONS!" They stormed out of the throne room carrying torches, pitchforks and the occasional spear. As Sarah marched through the corridors in the castle, she stopped in front of a huge wooden double doors. She turned around and said, "Behind these doors…"

"Um, Queen Sarah?"

"Shut up! Can't you see I'm talking? Can you say RUDE? OK, so where was I? Oh yes, behind THESE doors, lies our FREEDOM!" As Sarah flung open the doors, crying out in happiness, brooms, mops, buckets, sponges and other cleaning supplies fell on to her. She struggled to get out of the heap of cleaning products. Sarah looked into the "freedom" door and saw something that she would never wish to see. An altar…dedicated to HER! With a statue of her and Jareth kissing. "OH, GODDDDDD! WHAT THE #$! IS THIS?" She ran out of view of the "freedom" room and found herself in front of another set of wooden doors. Soon the Goblins caught up with her. "All right, Behind THIS door lies our Freedom!"

"Uh…" said a Goblin.

"Shh…she might yell at you again!" whispered another Goblin.

Sarah threw open the double doors, yet again, and she realised that this was not freedom, but the kitchen… "All right my Goblin minions. TELL ME. Where…Is…the DAMN EXIT!" The small two-foot Goblin by her side did not speak but pointed to the steel double doors that flashed with a huge fluorescent pink EXIT sign. "Oh…right…ok then…" Sarah said as she looked at the floor dejectedly. "Well then, Behind THIS big fluorescent, flashing door…LIES…OUR…FREEDOM!" Cheers erupted from the Goblins and following Sarah they crashed through the doors with excited yells of "FREEDOM!" And "LONG LIVE THE UNION!"

Author's Note: Ok guys that's the end of the chapter… Next Chapter will be Jen and Allison…aren't you proud of Sarah? She got out of the castle, all by her..s..elf….aw nevermind.


	7. You've travelled far, you've grown tired...

Disclaimer: We own NOTHING! Yay!

Author's Note: (music starts)Dah dah dah dah dah dah…Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town, here we have some rules let us lay them down. Please be kind, stay in line and we'll get along fine. Duloc is a perfect plaaace. Please stay off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your………..FACE! Duloc is…Duloc is…Duloc is a peeeeerrrrrr….feeeeect PLAAAACE! flash from camera

Dear ElfieTree: Yes, yes we DID get that from the Simpsons…

OK this chapter's aboot (that's right! ABOOT!) Jen and Allison trying to find Sarah. Muahaha…hope you enjoy! . We're pumping ourselves full of coca cola so we should be funny enough…..If it's not as funny as the last ones SCREW YOU! . now….LET'S BEGIN!

CHAPTER 7—You've travelled far, you've grown tired and weary—The Musical

Last time we left off, Sarah had disappeared along with everyone's favourite drag queen, Daaaavid Bowwwie….I mean… "Jareth".

Jen and Allison stood on the now deserted hill, looking down to the labyrinth. All of a sudden Jen broke out into a patriotic speech. Allison—shudder patriotic…. She raised her left hand and said; "Right! Our friend needs our help! And what are we going to do about it?…"

Allison interrupted saying; "Uhhh…ummm…errr…Go home to bed?"

"Precisely!…Wait…NO…I mean….ALLISON!"

"What?"

"Ahhhhhh! Ok…now on with my speech…We're going to HELP our friend. We're going to SAVE our friend…And we're going to SMASH Jareth with the hammer of justice, and bring peace to all the little hobbits in the world!"

"Jen…you're getting off topic again…hobbits?"

"starts sniggering hehe… The cute little hobbits, with their cute little hobbit key chains, where they hold their little hobbit keys, which open their little hobbit doors…"

"You know I love hobbits Jen, but that's a little too off topic…"

"Awwww….Ok….All who have evil within their hearts will be SMASHED by the justice loving people of the world…Such as I! ME! JENNIFER!

(Barry White starts to sing)

"Who's the girl with all the brains?"

"…..JEN!"

"Damn right." disco dancers and lounge singers with Afros come onto the hill out of nowhere. Jen starts to disco dance in a sparkly white cocktail dress (how she managed that one, we know not) "Who's the girl who knows it all?"

"…..JEN!"

"Ya dig?…… She's a complicated girl, and no one understands her but her hobbit."

"Jenniferrrrr….."

"Who's the girl who ya know is better than the rest?"

"….JEN!"

Jen says: "That's MEEEE!" (music stops, Jen points both thumbs to her chest, spotlight focused on her)

"Jen I hate to interrupt your little self-obsession episode, but I hate to tell you that that was SO a Sarah-freak-out-thing. In other words, Jen, you just pulled a Sarah."

Jen gasped and desperately fell to her knees. "NOOOOOOOO!"

Meanwhile back at the castle Sarah hears a distant scream. "Whoa, sounds like Jen just pulled a Sarah."

"Ok…well now that that's over, can we PLEASE continue?"

"LET'S GO!" Jen yells as she skips merrily into the labyrinth. Allison follows behind dragging her feet along the ground.

As they were walking through the Labyrinth they came across some huge maze hedges, Allison came up with a brilliant idea….

(They broke into song which goes to the Brady Bunch music) "Let's use this chain saw."

"To cut these hedges."

"I'm sure Jareth will never find out anyway."

"And if does, well theeenn screw him."

"Because he's just gay.."

"And that's how we became Misfortune's Buuunch!" The music ended just as suddenly as it had started. "Well… That was amusing" Exclaimed Jen in a smile because Allison actually sang.

"Hey we cut down the hedges while we were singing!"

"Good one Al!"

"Oh and you'll NEVER, EVER tell Sarah that I just sang….through gritted teeth Riiight…JEN?"

"No!" Said Jen quickly, though her fingers were crossed behind her back. "Let's just keep going shall we?"

Back at the castle…. "HEY! I heard that Allison!"

They started to walk through the path that they clove through the tall hedges. Surprisingly it headed straight towards the castle. All of a sudden Jareth popped out of nowhere and said, "Well hello girls! Allison, you're looking just as ravishing as ever…"

"Take that BACK BASTARD!"

"And you Jennifer…How you doooaaain?" (We all know Joey from FRIENDS don't we?)

"I feel dirty."

"I feel dirty too….wink wink"

"AHHH! MY VIRGIN EARS!" Jen yelled as she started to run in circles screaming.

"Ok bastard…WHAT DO YOU WANNNNT?" Allison asked.

"I just came to tell you that after you LOSE (leans closer and whispers in Allison's ear) I want you to come to THIS hotel room." Jareth hands Allison a room key. The key was really small.

Jen stopped running around in circles and yelled; "Hey Allison! Where do you think you're gonna fit a key that big?"

"Bend over and I'll show you!"

"You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Kwok! (Allison's last name)"

"I wasn't talking to YOU!" Awkward silence and strange looks follow… "…oh god…" Allison all of a sudden gets an idea. "Jareth! I have something to tell you."

"Yeees?" Jareth said trying to sound seductive….but not succeeding.

"Wellll…(Allison starts mumbling incomprehensible words)"

"What! Speak LOUDER!" Jareth moves his ear closer to Allison. Allison keeps mumbling. Jareth comes even closer…

"IN. YOUR. CRYSTALINE. DREAMS!" Allison yelled as loud as she could…which might I add, is really loud. He pulled back, gave her an angry look and disappeared.

Allison smiled and unknowingly broke into her version of "Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead" from The Wizard of Oz. Allison pulled out a toy microphone and sang:

"Ding, Dong, the Queer is gone! Which old Queer?"

"The NASTY Queer" Jen jumped in.

"Ding, Dong, the drag queen Queer is gooone. Down where the Goblins go, right here, right here, right here. That Queeeer! Let's open up and sing and ring the bells…"

"GONGS!" Sang Jen as she struck a gong.

"Hey-ho the merri-o, Sing it…"

"HIGH!"

"Sing it…"

"LOW!"

"Let them know the drag queen Queer is gooooooonnnnne!" The music stopped and Allison realized what she had just done.

"Ohohoho….Allison was singing, Allison was singing." Jen taunted in a sing- song voice.

Allison shook her head in shame and looking at the sundial exclaimed, "Only 2 hours left. WE had better get to the castle!"

"Yes. We must save Sarah, save the Labyrinth and save the WORLD!"

"What? When did we have to save all that? I thought we were just rescuing Sarah!"

"Oh….yeah….Well FOLLOW ME TO OUR DESTINY!"

"Um….Ooookkkay?"

Soon they had reached the gates to the Goblin city. They weren't noticed as they walked through the city towards the castle because of Allison's trusty camouflage outfits. Allison's hand was on the door knob ready to open to door.

Meanwhile on the other side of the doors, Sarah was saying, (like she was in the last chapter) "Well then, Behind THIS big fluorescent, flashing door…LIES…OUR…FREEDOM!" Cheers erupted from the Goblins and following Sarah they crashed through the doors with excited yells of "FREEDOM!" And "LONG LIVE THE UNION!"

Allison and Jen were trampled by the emerging Goblins. When they had finally picked themselves up and brushed themselves off they looked at Sarah and took in her attire. They both started laughing so hard that they ended up on the floor.

"If you are quite finished!" Yelled Sarah, pointing at the now wide open doors. "Turn your heads towards me! I DON'T CARE IF THAT WAS PUSH OR PULL! I GOT THOSE DOORS OPEN AND THAT'S WHAT COUNTS!….aaaannnd SCENE!"

Author's Note: Well, THAT was a musical chapter! Sorry it took so long, but we weren't feeling funny last week so we had to make up for it by making the chapter long, and musical. As always, R/R! Hope you liked it!


	8. My girlfriend is cheating on me with her...

Disclaimer: We don't own the Labyrinth, and frankly, we don't want to!

Author's Note: Yes, it's been a while, but we've got so caught up in Dark Angel, that we've been distracted. Yeah, we know it's a little late, but we think we had better describe what we look like to you guys. Ok, Allison first: Long black hair, tall (5'6"), skinny and Chinese (doesn't that explain everything?) Ok now Jen: shoulder length light brown hair, glasses (grrr I just got contacts!) tall (5'6'), built (I'm a dancer OK!). Now Sarah: BLONDE! There we go…..ok so she's about 5'6" too, really really skinny (but not TOO skinny) and her hair's shoulder length. Hehe sorry that was a little late, but erm….we never thought of it till now.

CHAPTER 8—My girlfriend is cheating on me with her lesbian midget sister (Showdown for short)A/N: Where the HELL did you come up with THAT one Sarah? Sarah- Jerry Springer….

OK so last time, which was a looonnnng time ago, Sarah and her Goblin minions just crashed through the doubles doors of Jareth's castle….

"SARAH! What the HELL are you wearing?" Yelled Jen.

"Only the lasted spring fashions of David Bowie Inc. Where IS that bastard?"

"He ran away! After trying to violate Allison and me!" Jen exclaimed as Allison started shuddering uncontrollably. An awkward silence followed. Allison was the first to speak, "OK, we've got Sarah now, FALL OUT! I SAID GOOOOO!" Sarah and Jennifer stare at their friend like she is some sort of maniac, like Private First Class Blackburn, who fell from the GOD DAMN HELICOPTER in Black Hawk Down! A/N: Allison- oooooo! Orli! drool heheheh Allison tied a black headband around her head, put on some war paint, pulled out her double Uzis (type of gun!) and started running. Sarah and Jen just stood, staring at her. Then they followed behind slowly. "Come ON you guys! Pick up the pace!" Jen and Sarah followed reluctantly. Allison sang, "I don't know what I've been told! David Bowie's really old! SOUND OFF!"

The Goblin minions following behind yelled, "ONE, TWO!"

"SOUND OFF"

"THREE, FOUR!"

"SOUND OFF"

"One, two….THREE FOUR!" As Sarah and Jen followed the pack of singing nut cases, loud sirens broke out. The Goblins that had not joined the UDG had been alerted by Jareth that the girls were in the city trying to escape. That's when, from out of NOWHERE! The Mission Impossible Theme song rang in their ears. Sarah said, "Let's do this shit!" Sarah ripped off her dress, revealing a cat suit.

"Woah, where'd THAT come from?" Allison tossed Sarah and Jen some guns, and they began the war between Woman and fairy tale creature. Allison yelled, "COVER ME!" and Sarah and Jen stayed behind to cover her back. The enemy Goblins began to shoot from their poorly made, Mexican imported guns, and cannons. Allison signaled them to go ahead, "GO, GO, GO!" Jen and Sarah quickly ran ahead, to hide against a wall. As they ran, Allison jumped in front of them prepared to take any stray bullets that crossed her path. Suddenly everything went in slow motion. Allison dove on her side, shooting continuously at the Goblins (typical slow-mo action move) yelling NOOOOOOOO! When she hit the ground, time sped up, and she skidded across the muddy ground. When she got up and recovered, she yelled to Jen and Sarah. "FLY YOU FOOLS!" Then she was swarmed by Goblins, and swallowed up by the ground… Somehow a hole formed…don't ask us. As Sarah and Jen began running, they looked at each other and yelled in unison, "SHE'LL BEEEE ALLLRIGGGHHHHT!" The sound of gunfire and explosions filled the City, and the Goblins were still on their tail. As they came across the Goblin City Science Lab, Jen stopped.

"Wait!" She said in a Scottish accent, "I have to save the wee turtles!"

"NO JEN NOOOO!"

"But if I don't save the wee turtles, who WILL?" Sarah waited outside the door, picking off Goblins, as Jen was trying to save the wee turtles. Suddenly, Jen burst through the doors with wee little green turtles, biting her limbs, face and ass. "AHH! Save me from the wee turtles, they've got my ASS!"

"Jen! If you're clothes catch turtles, STOP! DROP! And roll those little buggers OFF!" Jen dropped to the floor and rolled. "EAH, EAH , EAH!" Once the turtles were gone, Jen got up and glared at Sarah. They looked around, noticing that they were just in front of the gates to the Goblin City. They ran towards the gates, turning around backwards and backing up through them. They pointed their guns at the Goblins, who had all fled into their houses by now.

The girls ran and ran, over mountains, through valleys, and forests. They even swam across a lake or two……….all in 5 MINUTES! Then! They stopped at a big-ass boulder. A great white light surrounded the area in front of them. As they pointed their guns at the mass of light, a figure draped in white robes, with long white hair and a matching beard stepped out on top of the boulder. Sarah shielded her eyes and gasped, "God? Are you here for that 20 bucks I owe you?"

The figure answered, "You owe me 20 bucks!" As the light cleared, Jen stepped back in disgust.

"ALLISON!" Sarah yelled and Allison smiled saying, "Cool, eh?" Jen gave Allison her "idiot look" A/N: Its too hard to explain what the look, looks like…Sorta like a look of disgust and embarrassment all rolled into one. then walked up to Allison and pulled off her beard and white wig. "Take that GOD DAMN thing off!"

"Heyyyy! I LIKED that thing!…………..It made me look like Gandalf!" Allison said dejectedly, as she climbed down from the boulder. Sarah looked at her and said, "Allison, you're an idiot…"

All of a sudden a big puff of girly pink smoke appeared in front of the trio and their Goblins. The Goblin King emerged from the smoke and said, "You're TIME is up…….errr…WAIT FOR IT!………..NOW!" Big bells started ringing. Jareth continues, "That means, one of YOU will be my QUEEN, and the other two…" He glared at Jennifer and Allison, "Will massage my feet and wash my underpants! Sarah! I choose YOU!" As he hurled a pokeball, a mini figurine of Sarah popped out. He looked at it and said, "Awww, isn't it cute?" Jennifer and Allison looked at each other in disgust—both felt like throwing up. Sarah started yelling.

"AUGH! GOD DAMN IT!" Jareth started laughing hysterically. Sarah continued, "WHY COULDN'T I WASH YOUR UNDERWEAR? WHY DO I HAVE DO BE A QUEEN?"

Jen looked at Sarah and said, "Sarah, do you have ANY idea what you just said!"

"Well, It's BETTER THAN…….." Sarah was cut off when Jareth interrupted, "You know you're cute when you're angry."

"OH that's IT! It's on BITCH! You're a make-up wearing FAG!" OOO's came from the Goblins.

Jareth countered, "You're a two-cent WHORE!" More OOO's from the Goblin audience.

"Your HAIR'S the DRIEST I've ever seen! Look at the colour, it's a total bite-off of mine!"

Jareth was utterly offended now, and lashed out irrationally. "You're a flat-chested, no ass BITCH!"

The Goblins chanted "JERRY! JERRY!" as Sarah jumped on Bowie and started clawing at him. She slapped him, scratched him across the face, kicked him in the stomach and would have kneed him in the nuts if he was a REAL man.

"JERRY! JERRY!" Sarah, listening to the yells of her Goblin minions, stopped beating up Jareth, and yelled, "YEAAAAHH! WOOOO! YEAAAHHHH!" Then, Sarah stalked over to Jareth. She grabbed his hair and pulled him up to his feet. He flailed his hands, trying to slap Sarah like a girl. A wrestling ring appeared and Sarah gave Jareth a tombstone (lifting him up, upside down and dropping him on his head). Sarah walked over to her corner of the fighting area and Jen squirted some water into her mouth. Allison wiped the sweat off her forehead with a towel, and then shoved her back into the ring.

Jareth was lying on the ground trying to recover, and Sarah bent down to face Jareth. Allison and Jen screamed, "GO FOR THE KILLLLL!" But Sarah, looking at the bloodied face of Jareth, reached out with her hand and said, "It's over bitch." Then she flicked his nose. He got red in the eyes, and screamed in anger. Sarah got up. "RUNNNNNNNN!"

And they ran. Yes, they ran. And they ran, and they….RAN. The Goblin minions were still following. When they had finally thought that they were rid of the Goblin King, they stopped to rest.

"Jen, where's that 5 bucks I won on our bet?"

"Awww! I was hoping that you'd forget about that from all the running."

"I ain't that stupid Jen, now hand it over!" As Jen was handing over the 5 bucks Sarah said, "HEY! You bet AGAINST me?"

"Nothin' personal." Just then, a Goblin scout ran up to the girls saying, "The King is coming! The King is COMING!"

Jen, Sarah and Allison exchanged looks. "OH NO!"

"OH NO!"

"OH NO!"

Then the whole Goblin hoard yelled, "OH NO!"

Suddenly, and may I add RANDOMLY, from behind a tree, the Kool-Aid Man popped out and said, "Ohhh yeaaaaaaaahh." Silence and confused looks followed. The Kool-Aid Man slowly slipped back behind the tree.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Jen yelled, "SARAH! Why the frig did you put HIM in our fic?"

"I like the Kool-Aid Man. He's always got Kool-Aid with him." Then they heard a big scream of anger that made the leaves on the surrounding trees fall off. Jareth had caught up with them.

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"

Allison took out her trusty bazooka and started shooting at Jareth. "Why won't he DIIIEEEE?" Sarah then, quickly looked around for something to use against him. A small little stream caught her eye. "Water!" She yelled.

Jen and Allison turned around to face her, confusion obvious on their face. "Wha?"

Sarah kneeled down, scooped some water up in her hands and threw it in Jareth's face screeching, "I DEFFYYYY YOOOOOU!" The water hit Jareth's face and his mascara began to run.

"Ahhhh! My face! My valuable face!" He held his hands to his face and screeched, "I'm melllllllting!" Then he disappeared into a big poof of smoke.

"Sarah! How'd you know how to do that? THAT WAS SMART!"

"Well, didn't you see his makeup? Ca mon! It was so cheap!"

"So Allison, think he's actually dead this time?"

"I dunno Jen……..wanna make a BET?"

Jen answered sadly, "I've got no more money…."

"Well, let's get the HELL outta here before he comes back…IF he comes back?" Sarah said. "Come on Goblin friends! You're freeeee!" They all turned and ran towards the sunset, through a grassy, flower filled field. Once again time slowed down, and they were running in slow-motion. Goblins were taking off their clothes, and throwing them around, frolicking in the bright rays of their freedom. It began to rain petals as the song 'Born Free' played in the background.

"Borrrn freeee. As freee as the winnnnd blowwws. As freee as the graaaass growwws. Born Freee to followw your hearrrt. Live freeee. As beauty surrounnnnds youuuu. So haaappy I fooouuund you. Cause you're borrrrrrn freeeeeee."

Jen, Allison and Sarah who were joined hand in hand, ran with the goblins. Then time restored to normal and the music stopped with the record making the zippy sound (you know what we mean!).

"Hey wait a minute! What the HELL are we doing!" Allison yells.

"Yeah! Let's get out of this shit hole!"

"But how? I don't have my books anymore!"

A tornado suddenly appeared out of nowhere, lifting the three girls up into the air. They were tossed around like monkeys, bruised, and battered when suddenly they landed very roughly on the ground. Jen and Allison woke up and untangled themselves from the pile they were in. They got up and brushed themselves off and realized that they were back in Sarah's room. Sarah, who's head was half-way up her ASS from the landing, awoke with a start and screamed, "DON'T REJECT ME!" Obviously she was having that nightmare about being rejected from the circus again…

"Woah….That was frickin' weird!" Exclaimed Allison.

Jen went over to Sarah and said, "Sarah! You travelled on foot, were kidnapped, almost raped and had your ass kicked, what are YOU going to do next?" As she held up a microphone to Sarah's face.

"Well," Sarah said as she reached into her shirt. She pulled out a handful of gems and random valuables that she had gotten off of her big-ass crown. "I got some jewels in my bra…..wanna go hawk 'em?"

Jen and Allison shrugged, "Ehn, sure!"

Allison went on, "But promise me we won't have anything to do with David Bowie EVER again!"

"Allison, I promise."

Author's Note: WE'RE DONE! THE ENNNNDDD! THAT'S IT! GO HOME! NO MORE! GOOD-BYE!

"What ever happened to those Goblins?"

"I dunno…." All of a sudden, in the background, A naked Goblin runs across the screen flailing his arms.

"Yeah, now that they're free I wonder what they're up to…." The Goblin runs across the front of the screen, stop right in the middle faces the camera and screams, "ELAELAELAELAELA!" Then runs out flailing his arms again.

"……………….."

"Well that was…….."

"Wrong?"

OK! We'll be posting a list soon….it's of all our Bowie moments, and they're very scary! It'll be called, "Reasons to fear Bowie" Look for it in the Lists section. Seriously, its scary…. BOWIE IS EVERYWHERE! If you read our list, you'll see why he's so scary and why we wrote this GOD DAMN fanfic. READ READ READ! We've been writing for two hours, and its 1:32 AM! ON A FREAKING SATURDAY! Ah well, it was fun! Thanks to everyone who gave us GOOD reviews, we're grateful for your support, and we're glad you enjoyed our fic. All we can say is that we came, we saw, and monkey. Thank you.

Jen, Allison and Sarah—The unlucky3


	9. Reasons to fear Bowieaka Bowie Moments

Author's Note: And here they are...our Bowie moments! This has been going on ALL year, since before we even started this fic. Some of them don't have anything to do with Bowie, but some of them have to do with the Labyrinth, so we put them in anyways. So much has happened that we decided to write them down. And here they are... P.S. After reading this you'll understand WHY we fear him...

Disclaimer: We don't own David Bowie, and we don't want to. Infact, if we DID own him, we'd give him away! Or sell him! Or...you know, throw him off a cliff.

Reasons to fear Bowie---aka. Bowie Moments

The Labyrinth-pretty self-explanatory

The girl's name is Sarah. shudder

Bowie wrote a song called "Sarah"

Jen's step-mom liked Bowie.

Jen's step-mom thought Bowie was "good-looking"...shudder

Jen's step-mom thought Bowie was a good singer.

Sarah's mom thinks (present tense) Bowie is "cute". We can't believe it!

Sarah's mom thinks, once again (present tense), that Bowie is a good singer. We can't believe Sarah is her spawn

Bowie is in Zoolander and when Jen and Allison went to go see it, they didn't notice because they were in a trance from Bowie. We figure that this is when it all began. This is when he started harassing us.

When Sarah saw Zoolander, nobody warned her that Bowie was in it, he just popped out of nowhere.

When Jen was watching "Iron Chef, American Version" the commentators said about one chef, "Actually, David Bowie ate in this chef's restaurant. And in fact, proposed to his wife there too."

When Sarah was channel surfing, she came across channel 36, which was showing "Top 80 of the 80's". All she saw was BOWIE, singing with a biiiiiiggggg close-up of his face. It was like click ahhhhh! click sigh of relief

When Allison was at the airport terminal, she saw people reading the following books: "The Biography of David Bowie", "Defiant Goblins", "Defiant Teenagers", "The Labyrinth". This is all very scary...We are being stalked by David Bowie...wow...we're frightened...Someday...Somehow...Someway...We'll get by...

When Sarah was in History class, a T.V. was in the room, but her teacher wasn't. Then Mr. Coram came into her class looking for something. That's when her teacher walked in, and Coram asked her, "You didn't by any chance find a tape in the VCR?" Her teacher then said, "No, but you should check with Bowie." Coram said, "Who?" Her teacher said, "Bowie." Sarah swears that her teacher clearly said "Bowie"...who knows...

One day, at lunch, Sarah asked her friends at school, "Is anyone else scared crapless by David Bowie?" Jennifer Stevenson then said, "Oh yeah, he was creepy in the Labyrinth!" And then, the two got into a conversation where Sarah told her about the three of us hating Bowie.

One of Sarah's friends at school, Tory, LIKES the Labyrinth...

Tory, and Sarah's friends, said that they saw The Labyrinth on T.V. all the time when they were kids.

Amanda, Sarah's friend, said to her one day. "Sarah, you should have seen this guy I saw when I was on the bus with my dad. He was wearing tight leather pants, a white puffy shirt, and had long bleach-spiky-blonde hair." This naturally, scared the crap out of Sarah and she asked, "Was he wearing make-up? Like eyeshadow?" Amanda said that she didn't know and she couldn't remember.

Tory forced Sarah to bring the Labyrinth over to a sleep over.

This girl at Allison's school, loves David Bowie. She "thinks he's hot" and has pictures of him in her locker and in her room.

For an example in class, Allison's teacher used "Jareth told the man not to defy him." Allison got scared and asked how he knew about the Labyrinth. He said that his niece made him watch it and that he hated it and couldn't think of any other sentence.

There is a section for the Labyrinth on is kinda obvious since we're posting this in it...

There are A LOT of Labyrinth websites.

There was a Labyrinth video game for Nintendo. Sarah grew up with Nintendo, she trusts it, it is her friend...now she's not so sure.

When Allison was at a brunch, he waiter had a Bowie hair-do like in the Labyrinth.

Bowie now stars in a new commercial for a radio station.

When Sarah was walking home from her friend Amy's, and passed the Jubilee United Church, on the board outside it said, "Happy Easter...etc.etc.- Saturday-Labyrinth-7 pm" What does THAT have to do with anything, ANYTHING!"

Amy was sitting watching TV at home, and thinking about how Sarah told her all the scary things that have been happening. "Yeah right, David Bowie! Sarah's stupid, David Bowie isn't stalking her." Just then, her mom changed the channel to figure skating. The person was skating to a Bowie song.

Sarah was watching "The Wedding Singer", and Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore were in a club, and then David Bowie's music came on and Drew Barrymore kept saying, "I love David Bowie. He is so sexy."...ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...I can't believe I just typed those words...and THEN they started singing the song.

The Labyrinth section on has surpassed 1000!What will become of the world? When will our children get lives? Damn you Salizar!

On Tuesday, April 9th, 2002, Sarah was in music class (the keyboard room) She looked across the room on a poster and saw some guy. It looked like this guy, Mark Walberg, so she looked at the name to find out who it was. She didn't have her glasses on but somehow she could see VERY clearly. She saw that the last name printed there didn't take up enough space to say Walberg. She looked closely and wasn't sure if it said Bowie but it looked like it. Already she started to freak out, so she casually got up and walked to the poster, and started hyper-ventilating in shock. She flipped out. Plus it "80's Bowie" which is the worst kind. The poster said, "David Bowie promotes American Libraries" Of course that is SOOO relevant to us, since we live in CANADA! And for some reason he was in his bare feet.

Allison's friend Ashley, was saying in class, "Have you ever heard of the movie, The Labyrinth?" Allison's other friend started freaking out and said, "The movie! With that guy!" With a high-pitched, scared, freaked- out tone. Ashley then said, "Don't you LOVE that movie? With David Bowie?" Allison's other friend started freaking out again and was speechless. She managed to get out "Tight, white PANTS!" Ashley said, "Don't you LOVE them?" The other friend said, "How can you like that movie?"

Jen was watching Rosie O'Donnell and all she heard was people saying "Did you see the one with David Bowie? That was so good."

There is a Labyrinth soundtrack.

Sarah was in the car with her dad and a Bowie song came on the radio.

Jen said that Bowie was on the radio one morning (keep in mind that we might stop listing the times he's on the radio because he's always bound to be on the radio isn't he?)

Amy called Sarah to tell her that Bowie was on channel 36 again. But this time, it was on a biography show on some guy from the 70's and Bowie was his friend and also sang with him.

Allison was watching "Alf" and for a guest appearance was...Bowie..he was supposed to be the boyfriend of a 16 year old girl...he was supposed to be an 18 year old guy. She may have been 13 (this might not have been Bowie, but it looked like him. Very much so.)

Allison was at school and they were having a trivia question period. The category that the teacher was using was "Name the movie". The question was "What was the movie starring Jim Henson's creations with David Bowie?" Allison was shocked and THEN the teacher randomly picked her. She said the answer through gritted teeth and the teacher asked her to repeat it. She did and was asked to repeat it AGAIN. Eventually, the teacher heard her and said "Very good! Point to you!"

Allison downloaded an ORLANDO BLOOM video with him in an interview. The host asked what song he sang in a karaoke bar and Orli said "Uh, what was it? Oh, it was that Bowie, that Bowie song."

Bowie is coming to Toronto...We live there.

Sarah was watching "The Loop" on channel 36 and it was about Sheryl Crow doing a free concert in New York and David Bowie was with her.

Biography of David Bowie on channel 36.

THIS one was what we like to call a DOUBLE BOWIE MOMENT. It was early in the morning and Bowie was performing on Good Morning America. Some tribute crap. THEN they showed this thing with a bunch of clips from over the years and in one clip he was...it's just...too terrible...he was...practically NAKED!...AAAAAGH! SARAH'S BEEN CORUPTED!

Bowie on a fashion television show hosting. All Sarah heard him say was "A quiet revolution in fashion." ACTUALLY he SANG IT..freaky...

New Bowie album out.

Sarah was at the grocery store with her mom and the store was selling old CDs. One of Bowie's was there.

Sarah was at Amy's house and Amy shoved a picture of Bowie from a magazine in her face.

Sarah's mom had the newspaper and told her to look. It her a while, but she saw BOWIE at the bottom right corner of the page.

David Bowie live show in like Vegas or something on channel 31.

We found out there is a Bowie on "A Knight's Tale" I think. Pretty sure..and Jen LIKES that movie. Sarah just broke the news to her.

Adam Sandler singing to a Bowie song on his new movie "Mr. Deeds." This is the second time.

Sarah saw some girl on T.V. with a sign that said "I named my dog Jareth". It was at the Bowie performance on Good Morning America. Big pictures of Bowie as Jareth on the sign.

Another Labyrinth thing on the front church sign.

Saw a documentary on Mazes and Labyrinths on T.V. Probably channel 32, 34, 31, or 42, or something.

They showed that thing with Sheryl Crow with Bowie again. In fact, they showed it a few times.

Sarah asked Mr. Usprech if David Bowie scares him. He said "Yes, David Bowie scares me a great deal." She asked Mr. Gelbloom and he said "No. Mabye he's an insider...

Sarah's other friend Amanda called. She was at Tory's and said that they just watched a David Bowie movie produced by a...Mr. Yoshida...There's a teacher at Sarah's school named Mr. Yoshida that scares the crap outta her..

David Bowie was in Allison's Teen People or People magazine book on best stars. Hee hee heeeee...his real name is David Hayward Robert Jones...hee hee heee...stupid name...hee hee heeeee...

Sarah was at Rent-A-Flick with her friend Dan and he shoved the Labryinth case in her face..

Now THIS one's terrible. Sarah's bought these cool EXPENSIVE Faerie cards (like a Tarot deck). But when she got home, she was like "Gee, these drawings look familiar." She looked on the back of the box and it said "Brian Froud is the conceptual designer for Jim Henson films such as The Dark Crystal and The Labyrinth. THEY TRICKED HER! HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO HER! STUPID FROUD FAMILY! She literally dropped to her knees in desperation and screamed "NOOOOOOOO!"

Sarah went to the Froud's website. There is something called the Labyrinth on Jareth Masquerade going on in California. It happens every year. There is also a picture of the advertising poster. It had a scary picture of Jareth in some girl or someone...maybe it was Labyrinth girl...but it was scary cuz it was a drawing and not real people...ughguhuhgh... One day Sarah, Jen and Allison will go there and crash the party.

There was a newspaper on the side of the picnic table when Jen was camping, and she was going to go look at it to read it, and on the front page was a big picture of Bowie and she couldn't believe it so she was like "No, that's not Bowie." And she looked down and in big letters it said DAVID BOWIE!

Allison was in the car with her family and had to choose between country music and oldies. She changed it to oldies, and she heard "3 FULL hours of DAVID BOWIE!" She quickly turned off the radio.

Sarah's friend Christine called into the request line for music videos and said "Hi! This is Christine and my friend Sarah is the BIGGEST David Bowie fan! (not true) So would you please play anything by David Bowie! Sarah screamed when she heard this happened.

Sarah was watching channel 36 and a survey came up that said "Whose music to you prefer?" and David Bowie was the most popular. Then it showed him talking. This was the moment in history when Sarah finally was fed up and she yelled "AW COME ON!"

Amy saw a movie about David Bowie's life with an actor that represented him. And our darling Ewan McGregor played his lover and it had some fairly explicit scenes. "Velvet Goldmine" is what it was called.

Allison's friend Caroline was reading a book and there was a math equation or something similar that involved Bowie.

A/N: AND THAT'S IT FOR NOW! YES THOSE ARE A LOT OF WEIRD BOWIE MOMENTS! REVIEW PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!


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